Beck and call

2:22pm Thursday 20th November 2008

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BAD news for BT this week in Coronation Street (ITV1). Hayley returns, which means the only payphone in the universe that’s still used – the white one in the corner of Roy’s Rolls – will be dormant once more. Roy loved that phone: if he wasn’t croaking down a crackly line to Africa, he was trying to buy a train, or a baby. Now, without Hayley to call, that phone is useless. We shall miss it.

Hayley, like an 19-year-old gap year student freshly tattooed and back from Borneo, decides the factory is no longer good enough.

She’s seen the world, and decides there’s more to life than knickers.

Instead, she seeks work at a charity. All well and good, but will she get Eccles cake at 11am?

No, she’ll be too busy saving the world. I know which I prefer.

Especially when they come with jam.

Steve provides Becky with an alibi in court, meaning she’s spared prison. Unfortunately for Steve – and his girlfriend with rigid hair – that’s not all he provides. Off the top of my head – okay then, Wikipedia – Steve has been married three times and still he can’t control himself. No wonder he’s balding.

Carla returns and announces she has booked her wedding to Tony – the most loveless marriage since Steve and Vicky (no, not the Polish one – Alec Gilroy’s granddaughter). Both pay a visit to Rosie, who’s still in her grey tracksuit, trying to keep her sweet. The Windasses – an unlikely gangster family, it must be said – take revenge on the Platts by ripping out their kitchen. Where will this year’s Christmas Day fight take place now? David and Graham, his camp cell mate, must devise a good plan, or they’re in trouble.

So they’re in trouble then.

In the gloomy world of Eastenders (BBC1), where no light shines and no consonants are spoken, Max is discharged from hospital and tries to convince police it was Jack, not Tanya, who tried to kill him.

Without evidence, though, his estranged wife stays behind bars.

Tony tries to get Lauren to confide in him about her family problems, but that leaves Whitney more hurt and confused.

Libby and Chelsea – since when have characters been named after football teams? – conspire with Patrick to set Denise and Lucas up. For Chelsea, that’s what’s known as a tricky fixture.

In Emmerdale (ITV1), Katie is left in shock when Andy tries to kiss her. Daz, who saw it all, tells a stunned Jo, who can’t mask her hurt when her old love rival pays her a visit. Donna is in turmoil as she tries to tell Marlon she is leaving him for Ross. But will she be able to break his heart? At church, Nicola discovers that Gennie is a wonderful singer and names the shy Dingle as the choir’s new soloist.

In Neighbours (five), Karl – Australia’s only doctor – is betrayed by Nicola when she lets him take the blame for Pete Ferguson’s unauthorised blood test. Pete – the wise old owl – goes to the paper to try to expose the story. I wouldn’t bother, Pete.

They’ll be too busy with the soap column.